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A Deadly Poison

A DEADLY POISON
Mike Cunningham
September 29, 2013
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“I can’t take it anymore. I am going to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings.” The words were sharp. Sandra was adamant in her decision to divorce Ken, unwilling to listen to any contrary opinion. It appeared that a thirty-year marriage would end in brokenness and hurt.” Pg. 11

“Sandra was an intelligent, energetic individual who worked at the local bank, and her husband Ken was a hard-working electrician. They had two children. Their older son was married and their daughter was a senior in high school. It seemed that the imminent “empty nest” was creating panic within Sandra. Most of Ken’s leisure time was spent in front of the television or a newspaper, while Sandra was involved with housework and community activities. It had been years since the two of them had taken a vacation or had enjoyed a weekend away. In Sandra’s words, “Our marriage is dead. We are a married couple living separate lives. The thought of no children in the home and living with “just” Ken for the rest of her life was overwhelming.”

“I began meeting with Sandra on a weekly basis. She did not want to include her husband in our sessions, stating that, “It wouldn’t do any good. I attempted to guide her toward some sort of plan or focus that would bring freshness to the marriage. While her words were usually positive, her actions revealed a deeper truth; she was tired, hurt, discouraged and angry. Due to these emotions, Sandra was unwilling to allow for the possibility of change. She had Ken trapped in a prison of blame. I was prepared to challenge her in this area when she made her announcement.’

“It hit me like a bombshell. I knew that she was reluctant to press into a deeper understanding of her marriage, but she had never mentioned divorce. Being rather new to the counseling arena, I searched my memory banks from my counseling classes to aid me in my response. Many textbooks discuss the potential from letting personal feelings impinge on one’s counsel. The university professors concurred, emphasizing that as a counselor one should help the person find what he or she wants to do without imposing one’s personal values.”

“And to a certain extent this is true. Individuals who come for counseling are often at a week emotional state and susceptible to damage by those who would want to dominate them. But on the other hand, anyone who seeks help from a Christian counselor must expect that counselor to express any personal observations that support sound biblical teaching. In that regard, this situation-though in a professional setting-was not unlike any other situation in which we have to decide whether or not to speak our minds.”

“Still, on more that one occasion, the professors at the secular university chastised me for my personal Christian convictions, I had (I had refused to counsel a woman on how to obtain an abortion, for instance. Another time, I refused to support a man’s involvement in pornography.)”

“So here I faced a dilemma. Should I follow the route set before me in the classroom and simply help her through the emotional impact of her decision? As I mentioned earlier, she was not willing to listen to any other options. Or should I state my personal conviction that divorce was not the plan of God for Sandra and Ken? I felt sure God could heal their wounded marriage if they were willing to allow Him to guide their thoughts and actions.”

“After a quick analysis, my decision was made. I agreed to “help her” through the process of divorce. While uncomfortable with this decision, I felt resigned to the inevitable. She would meet with an attorney before our next session and share with me the results of that meeting.”

“As we started our session the following week, Sandra’s body language showed weariness and resignation to a burdensome decision.”

“The lawyer suggested I wait a year before I file for divorce,” she said. “He felt that I should wait until my daughter graduates. If I proceed with the divorce now it will ruin her last year in school. So, I guess I will just hang on.” With this she began to sob. I had few words of consolation to offer. Honestly, I was relieved. I was glad that the lawyer had, at least temporarily, put the divorce on hold.”

“Later, my conscience gnawing at me, I shared the general facts of the case with my wife, Joyce. She posed a simple question: “Why didn’t you give your perspective of the situation?” All my education, all my so-called wisdom was deflated. I realized that my voice had been non-existent. What had prevented me from speaking out? I cared about Sandra and Ken, yet I had accepted Sandra’s insistence and agreed to help her with her decision. Perhaps professionally that was the correct course, but as a Christian counselor I was stunned that I had been willing to allow them to walk a road of pain and suffering without helping her see a different perspective. The weight of my silence stunned me.”

“The following days brought hours of prayer and soul-searching. I consider myself to be an individual who speaks his mind and is not afraid to share his thoughts. In fact, there are times my friends say I share too freely. (In other words, I need t keep my mouth closed.) I did not want to be a person who was overwhelmed or intimidated by situations and circumstances and unable to speak the truth of God.”

“About two weeks later, a situation forever changed the way I view silence. The phone rang. It was Sandra. She was crying uncontrollably, her breath heaving with every word. As she spoke, my stomach knotted and a deep mourning filled my spirit. Ken had suffered a heart attack. He had collapsed in the living room while Sandra and her daughter were making breakfast. The paramedics pronounced him dead before he was even placed in the ambulance.”

“As my wife and I visited the mourning family, God quickened a disturbing thought in my mind. What if Sandra had filed for divorce? How would her children have coped not only with their father’s death but also with the knowledge that she wanted to divorce him? And what of Sandra? Could she have lived with herself, thinking that the heart attack might have been related to the divorce? The ramifications could have been staggering. An incredible sense of relief and thankfulness came over me. I began to cry, thanking God for His mercy in this situation. It was difficult enough for the family to deal with the loss, having to factor into the equation the strain and stress of an impending divorce could have resulted in irreparable damage.”

“Yes, Sandra did have to come to terms with guilt over her feelings. She found solace in the fact, however, that she had never spoken of her intention to divorce Ken to anyone in the family, nor had she directed hostility toward Ken by using the idea of divorce as a weapon. God, in His sovereign way, spared Sandra-and me-years of “what-if” and “if I only had.”

“As I look back on that situation, I realize it was foundational for my beginning to understand the two sides of silence. The predicament I found myself in was not an uncommon problem: weather to share my personal feelings and risk being rebuffed or to remain silent, maintaining “peace” but not being true to myself. I remember that dilemma as if it were yesterday instead of twenty years ago. I now feel more prepared to ask God the question “Should I remain silent or should I speak?” From to book “When To Speak Up, And When to Shut Up,” by Dr. Michael D. Sedler, pgs. 12-15.

As awful as that situation was, it would have been much worse if God allowed the devil to use one of his most powerful weapons. I’ll explain by using another case study from a different author.

“The book of Proverbs is like a song from Sesame Street. If you were a kid or parent during the last forty-five years, you probably remember the song “The People in Your Neighborhood” from the popular kid show. This childhood ditty was a little different each time it was sung because it always introduced a new neighbor, a policeman, a fireman, a baker or a postman. The refrain went something like this: “Well, they’re the people that you meet when you’re walking down the street. They’re the people you meet each day.”

“The point of the song was to help kids recognize the various kinds of people who live in their community and to know how to relate to them. It made children feel safe to know what was going on in their little world by helping them to understand the different kinds of people who populated it and how those people would generally act.”

“Proverbs does the same thing. The book categorizes people into somewhat exaggerated personalities so that disciples of the Lord can recognize these people when they run into them or when they themselves are acting like them. In the Proverbs it is not the policeman and the postman; it is the sluggard, the wayward wife, the hot-tempered man, the fool and at least two kinds of gossips.”

“In fact, throughout the Bible, every time the word “gossip” appears, it is not the verb form of the word that shows up, as in a kind of person-a gossip. The Bible is actually more interested in the people who are doing the speaking than it is in their words. Words are important, but they are simply the fruit, the overflow of the heart.”

“Gossips come in different shapes and sizes. They, (we) are motivated by different things at different times. Just as the Sesame Street song characterizes certain people, I’d like to consider five different kinds of gossiping people that we might meet (or be) in everyday life. These five are certainly not the only types of gossips that exist in this world. Our hearts are very creative in mixing up new motivations! These are just five common types driven by at least five ordinary (but ungodly) motivations. As we consider each one, we need to remember to look deeper than the behavior, into the heart of the gossip. We should ask ourselves the following:

What does the gossiper want and believe?
What is ruling the person’s heart?
What kind of “poisonous liquid” is in the person’s “heart bottle” that is overflowing in sinful gossip?”

“The Bible has a remedy, an antidote, for each type of gossip. There are very great and precious promises that speak specifically to each of these hijacked hearts and, when believed, renew our minds, de-conform us from the world and transform our words and lives.”

“Meagan grew up in a family in which nothing that anyone said was secret or sacred. Her family was full of “spies.” She says,

“You could count on everything being passed on to aunts and grandmas, because that is just how it was. It was unnerving to have things spread all through the family. I learned to keep most things private, then, I got the cold shoulder because I was “shutting people out.” Meaning, I didn’t tell them all the little details of my life as much anymore. I learned to put my guard up and preface my personal conversations with, “This is private-for you only.” Well sometimes even that wasn’t enough! Some people actually thought that “for you only” included three aunts, and their mother whom they normally talked to!”

“Proverbs says, “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret” (Proverbs 11:13).

“Do you have someone like this in your life? Are you an informer? One of my friends calls this “the eager-eared, probing side of gossip. Sometimes, it’s so stealthy I don’t catch it right away. Some folks are so good at [“probing that”] they [simply] mention a word or two and then just analyze my expression or the stuttering.” Spies know how to wheedle a story out of us.”

“The spy is somebody who loves to get the dirt on someone and then use that information to his or her personal advantage. At first spies may seem trustworthy, but they really are not. As we saw Scripture says, “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” Don’t talk to a spy, or your secrets may be the next ones to be spilled. So what is the motivation of a spy?”

“Spies are primarily motivated by power. There is something that a spy wants, and such a person will use your secrets and mine to get it. That hunger for power may be born from mischievousness. He or she might just enjoy making trouble. Or the spy may like the power of knowing something that shouldn’t be known or of being the first one to know something.”

“Megan writes, “I think for some people gossip is like a thrill or a high from being the first one to tell someone else about things. It’s like a competition to see who knows the low-down on someone else first. It makes them feel better about themselves because they “knew” before you did.”

“Some spies know that they can get something they perceive as better than what they already have by trading one secret for another. We see this often with teenage girls. They trade gossip about each other to maintain power over each other in their cliques. For a spy gossip provides the power to include and exclude.”

“I’m [Mitchell] not immune to this temptation. I like to be known as someone who knows things. I enjoy the feeling and status of being “on the inside.” At pastors’ gatherings I find myself sharing juicy tidbits about our family of churches, our seminary or some famous Christian I have met-just so that I can be perceived as a “someone.” Yuk. I hate to admit this. In this area I need to change.”

“If the desire for power is your temptation, then what you really want is Jesus. The power of gossip enslaves, but the power of Christ emancipates. Satan lies about his power, but it was derived from a source other than himself, and it is waning. The devil is a defeated ruler on the way out. Jesus’ power, on the other hand, is the power that brought Him back to life after He was crucified, and it is eternal and available through the Holy Spirit of God.” If a desire for power tempts you, then pray along with Paul the prayer of Ephesians 1:18-21 (NIV)

18 I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,
19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength,
20 which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,
21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

“That is gospel power, and it is better than anything that gossip promises. How did Jesus use His power? He used it to love. Jesus was a “trustworthy man,” someone to whom to whom you could entrust your deepest, most shameful secrets, and know that they were as safe as can be. He still is. And we can learn to be trustworthy too.” “Resisting Gossip,” by Matthew C. Mitchell, Pgs. 45-49.

Proverbs 11:13 (NIV)
13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
It’s been my prayerful hope that this message has convinced each of us that gossip is “A DEADLY POISON.” We must do everything we possibly can to knock it off!

Lord willing, next week….

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September 29, 2013 Posted by Categories: Uncategorized Tagged with:
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