VICTIMS OF SLANDEROUS GOSSIP
Mike Cunningham
October 13, 2013

Many years ago an unknown author wrote: “In a small Eastern European town, a man went through the community slandering the rabbi. One day, feeling suddenly remorseful, he begged the rabbi for forgiveness and offered to undergo any penance to make amends. The rabbi told him to take a feather pillow from his house, cut it open, scatter the feathers to the wind, then return to see him. The man did as he was told, then came to the rabbi and asked: “Am I now forgiven?”

“Almost,” came the response. “You just have to do one more thing. Go and gather all the feathers.” But that’s impossible,” the man protested. “The wind has already scattered them.” “Precisely,” the rabbi answered. “And although you truly wish to correct the evil you have done, it is impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover the feathers.”

“How interesting it is that we humans, so quick to believe the bad that others say about someone, so accepting of the “news” contained in print and television tabloids, and so ready to assume the worse regarding another’s actions, actually allow ourselves to believe that the evil we spread about someone won’t really matter. It’s notable that we can’t seem to immediately and resolutely accept the fact that the gossip we speak can do-and often does-significant damage to the subject of our chatter.”

“Paul Myers, a friend of Bob, says, “Gossip is like a fired bullet. Once you hear the sound, you can’t take it back.” That is what the nineteenth-century villager found out in a very disappointing, shameful moment of self-discovery. And it isn’t just what we say about someone to others, but also what we say to that person directly. We’ve all been told, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me,” and we also know it is totally untrue. While a body will typically recover from a physical injury, the harm caused by direct insults can sometimes last a lifetime and tear the self-esteem right out of a person.”

“On the other hand, kind, encouraging words can build people’s self-esteem, help them to grow and provide the impetus needed to do great, significant things with their lives. The choice regarding how we speak about or to someone is ours. It’s called “free will.” Taken from her excellent book, “Gossip,” by Lori Palatnik with Bob Burg, © 2002, pgs. 2-3.

But how about someone such as King David as we saw last week? Do you think David actually cared about the self-esteem of the backbiting slanderers who were hell-bent on killing him? Those evil men wanted him dead and the sooner the better. What would you ask God for if you were in David’s shoes?

“David asked God to thwart the plans of the wicked. In fact, he asked for a reversal-that the bad things his enemies wanted for David would come back on their heads. David wanted justice.”

Psalm 140:8-11 (NIV)
8 do not grant the wicked their desires, O LORD; do not let their plans succeed, or they will become proud. Selah
9 Let the heads of those who surround me be covered with the trouble their lips have caused.
10 Let burning coals fall upon them; may they be thrown into the fire, into miry pits, never to rise.
11 Let slanderers not be established in the land; may disaster hunt down men of violence.
“David and the other psalmists asked for justice again and again. They even asked that their reputations be protected. “Protect my reputation” is not a bad prayer. For example, Psalm 71 says,
Psalm 71:1 (NIV)
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.

“This means, in effect, “Let me not look bad in the eyes of others. Protect my reputation. Not, ultimately, for myself but for You, Lord. But do not let my reputation be unjustly bad. Bring justice, O Lord!”

“Have you ever prayed for justice in your situation? If someone has gossiped about you and everyone seems to believe what that person has said, take the problem to the Lord, and ask Him for justice.”

“You may, at first, have a hard time reconciling the psalmists’ cries for justice with our Lord teaching us to love our enemies. You may not yet be able to pray Psalm 140:10-“Let burning coals fall upon them; may they be thrown into the fire, into miry pits, never to rise-without bitterness and personal hate. It may even seem impossible holding out mercy for those who would repent. It is possible, however.”

“It takes becoming like Jesus, who is uniquely able to do two difficult things at the same time. I believe that if David’s snake-tongued enemies had turned around and genuinely asked for forgiveness, David would have granted it gladly. David was famous for flashing hot with anger but also with dispensing grace. In that he was like his gracious Lord.”

“The Lord is not just gracious, He is also holy and just, which means retribution for the unrepentant. God is both/and, not either/or.”

“So ask for justice while still loving your enemies. Jesus did that and made it possible for us to do it too through His work on the cross. His sacrifice satisfied the demands of justice while simultaneously dispensing mercy.”

“If the person who gossiped about you comes and asks for your forgiveness, give it. Quickly. Freely. Joyfully. Justice will still be done. So do not be afraid to forgive, and do not be afraid to humbly ask God to bring justice to your cause.”
Matthew C. Mitchell in his insightful book, “Resisting Gossip, © 2013, pgs. 116-118.

In another very helpful book, “Stop the Runaway Conversation,” © 2001 by Dr. Michael D. Sedler, we’re reminded that, “The teachers’ lounge is a place for educators to sit and talk without a student or parent present. Most schools have a “No admittance” policy for students or, at least require that they knock on the lounge door and wait outside for a response. This carefully constructed off-limits sector provides the opportunity to talk about people without fear of being overheard.”

“In my experience, it was not uncommon for an educator to speak negatively about a student or parent only to have someone else chime in with similar frustrations. As the feeding frenzy continued, this unsuspecting student or parent was “filleted” unmercifully. It seemed that as those discussions continued, the educator became more and more bitter toward the student or parent. The anger increased and soon a rational for revenge, punishment or retreating emotionally was born.

“As surely as the rain blows in from the north, anger is caused by cruel words” (Proverbs 25:23, CEV).”

“We might be tempted to excuse the conversation. After all, this was in a private setting. Furthermore:

What if the comments were accurate?
Didn’t the educators involved share situations that actually occurred?
Isn’t it OK just to vent and receive moral support?

“It does not matter if the statements are accurate. When an individual attempts to defame another person’s character through negative comments, we have an evil report in the making. The Bible states clearly that gossip and cruel words only create more strife. And the issue of moral support? If a person is sharing frustration in order to receive council for further interactions, we have a different scenario. Most situations, though, reveal stories and gossip being used to elicit support and sympathy for the gossip, not to cover and aid the victim. The attempt at restoration is seldom seen within the confines of those private walls.”

“As I mentioned, a teachers’ lounge is not the only place where people speak negatively of others. Your workplace may have a small lounge, a lunchroom or a designated area where groups gather each day. In a church the temptation to murmur is before us constantly at gatherings like choir rehearsals or board meetings. In a home, one might use the living or family room to entertain people (with gossip). We certainly use the telephone as a channel for our negative expressions toward others. Begin to identify the places where gossip and rumors prevail in your life. Set up an action plan to avoid or minimize your involvement. Share this plan with another and hold yourself accountable. Minimizing gossip will definitely decrease the anger and frustration in the lives of people who are normally touched by it.

“Where there is no fuel, the fire goes out; where there is no gossip arguments come to an end, (Proverbs 26:20-21, CEV).

And as James taught us,

“The tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest fire of little fire kindles!” (3-5).

We can change habits and therefore help change the patterns of those we come in contact with each day. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. (Note the aforementioned Scriptures).”

“What if we are in situations that do not allow us to leave easily? Can’t we just be quiet and say nothing? No, and here is the reason why not. It is because we run the risk of moving onto the next track toward deception, which is spiritual contamination. Here is a definition.

Contamination: Allowing one’s spirit to be polluted through sinful conversation.

“That is, if we are in a state of confusion as to what is occurring, we will have a tendency to become involved in the conversations, which leads to the contamination of our spirits. Each track will slowly and methodically lead us into the depths of defilement. Each, however, has a biblical and practicable antidote, if you will, that will help us avoid the snare of the enemy.”

”Imagine we are in a factory, wandering around inspecting and investigating the contents of the work area. There is a large sign on the door: Do not enter-Contamination. It is safe to assume that we would not glibly enter that room knowing that it is almost certainly a danger to our lives. What if there were no sign? What if, during our inspection, we found ourselves in the midst of a contaminated room exposed to radioactive materials? We certainly would flee that area and get medical attention.”

“The next time we go to inspect that factory we will most certainly not let ourselves be led into an unsafe area of contamination again. Then why do we continue to place ourselves in situations where we constantly become contaminated by unhealthy and ungodly language, discussions and conversations? The pollution from these conversations is every bit as deadly as that of radioactive materials. Our lives will be filled with pain and suffering and our words will have a tremendous impact on those around us.”

“Let me explain why there needs to be a response, either verbally or physically (such as leaving the area if that is an option). I recently received a phone call from a telephone solicitor. Naturally, the call came at a most inconvenient time. (Is there ever a convenient time for those calls?) The individual on the phone began with the usual greeting, “How are you tonight, Mr. Sedler? Inwardly, I knew where this might be heading but I responded, as usual with a chatty, “Fine, thank you.” The voice went on to say, “Would you like to improve the quality of your relationship with your wife?”

“This was a loaded question. If I said no, it might appear as though I did not care about my wife. I began to waiver. What if this wasn’t a solicitor at all? I became irrational. Maybe Joyce was testing me. Perhaps it was someone from church who had been through our marriage classes and was seeing if I really “walk the talk.” Oh, the pressure was mounting. In a moment of weakness and foolishness I responded as many people would. “I have a good relationship with my wife, but of course, it could be better.”

“That was all it took, the first fine threads of the spider’s web were wrapping around me. The person continued with his persuasive speech and for the next several minutes he took control of the conversation, telling me about a magazine that would supposedly enhance every facet of our relationship. I waited for him to take a breath so I could respond, but he must have been connected to an oxygen tank! I listened casually, with the opportunity for only an occasional “Yes…uh-huh…and a few nod’s of the head (as if that were discernable over the phone). As the salesperson wound down his monologue and I was ready to interject, “No, thank you,” he took a turn that caused me to stutter and stumble verbally again. The salesman concluded his sales pitch with this comment, “Now, Mr. Sadler, do you have a credit card?” I could not seem to stop myself. The web was getting thicker. I replied with a terse, “Yes.”

“He continued, “Well Mr. Sedler, we can bill you and have you pay $29.99 by check for a one year subscription, or you can use your credit card and pay $24.99 for one year. Which would you like?” This was not going as I planned. My response of “No, thank you” did not fit into the options I was given. And besides, did he really think I would not have chosen to use the credit card to save five dollars? (You can see that the web had gotten strong indeed!)”

“After several awkward minutes and some gentle combat, I hung up the phone. I was frustrated at the time I had wasted, but even more uptight over what I felt was the audacity of the salesperson to assume I wanted his magazine. I discovered later that I was looking at this from the wrong angle.”

“Some time after this phone call I was talking with a friend who, during the course of our conversation, explained a term that helped me understand the approach of the magazine solicitor. It also helped me to see the importance of responding and not just sitting silently listening to an evil report. (I am referring here, of course, to ungodly conversations, not suggesting that calls from solicitors are ungodly.) My friend explained that in the business realm, there is a term called implied consent. Many salespeople use this as a ploy to get customers to buy from them. The tone of the conversation is always focused on the sale of the merchandise. It is assumed that the person will buy the product and all discussion is geared toward making the sale as compatible for the consumer as possible. My silence was allowing the salesperson to weave a large web around me. In business terms, my silence was implying that I consented to buy the product. If you are in the sales field, do not be alarmed by my analogy. The person who called did nothing wrong. He was polite, but persuasive. If I had responded in a disinterested fashion sooner, the conversation would have ended more quickly. The point is that this applies to carriers of evil reports. The sooner I respond in a contrary way, the quicker the conversation will end. Are you involved in implied consent with those who are sharing an evil report?”

It’s been my prayerful hope and one of the desires of my heart that those of you who are Victims’ of Slanderous Gossip will find this message to be helpful. Please let me know.

Lord willing, next week….